Unbidden Relapse
by Silverblacktears
Summary: Short fic dealing with Zidane and Vivi's relationship post SS. Please R&R, longer explanation inside.


Unbidden Relapse

Hi, long time no update people!

I have been languishing at work trying to write, so this is in fact a little tie in to Shattered Soul.

Do you need to have read shattered to understand this one? Nope, it'd help matters some but not really needed.

Warning: As with SS, this fic deals with Self-harm and speaks of suicide.

Please R&R, constructive criticism appreciated.

SBT

URURU

The Genome had realised shortly after Sarah's announcement that the coming Yule would be difficult for his best friend to deal with; he had - with some trepidation – agree that Vivi could travel with Tantalus in the next year but he was very keen on keeping him close at Yule. Zidane had once read some years before that people were more likely to commit suicide in the lonely time around about Yule then at any other time of the year and Vivi's all too recent attempt on his own life was fresh in the young Genome's mind. So, Zidane had tried his level best to ensure that Vivi's attention was focused on something real and solid, namely the preparations for the big Yule party that would take place in the main square of the city; Zidane had wanted to arrange something like this for years but had never got around to doing the massive organisation such an event required.

It hadn't taken much for him to realise that his best friend would quickly slip back into more depressing thoughts if he was not given something to do with his time and Zidane had soon motivated himself to start the preparations for the big event. Hiding such huge planning from Vivi had not been easy but Zidane didn't want the mage disappointed should his planning fail to get beyond its initial stages as his plans so often did since he'd started living with Garnet.

Thankfully, this little plan had reached fruition and Zidane was ready to let his best friend take over elements of it; truth be told he was looking forwards to giving the responsibility of organising something so huge to someone like Vivi who'd do a better job with it. That and he wanted to see what the thirteen year old would do with the event; Garnet seemed as anxious as Zidane to see if Vivi would even accept such a challenge in the first place.

Zidane made his way through the castle gardens to the knights training room in which he had recently reintroduced Vivi to his magic; the young mage now seemed paranoid that his abilities would vanish if he failed to cast at least three times a week. For a change, the training room was busy as Steiner ran practices with his knights; Vivi stood to one side, waiting for the target to clear so he could cast.

"Since we happen to have Gaia's foremost magic caster present, I think now would be a fitting time to consider our magical resistance," Steiner was saying as Zidane watched from the doorway. "Master Vivi, please cast Fire on me to show how a knight deals with magic," Zidane rolled his eyes, he was sure Steiner would be much easier to like if it wasn't for the false bravado he insisted on sporting at all times.

"I – I don't … think that's a good idea," Vivi stammered in a small voice, looking down at his hands for a long time.

"Come now Master Vivi, a weak spell like Fire won't hurt me at all!"

Zidane winced slightly; he knew that Vivi's magic was getting stronger and stronger as he got older, so now even a low level spell like fire could do considerable damage. It was getting to the point now where Zidane was starting to worry about what would happen if Vivi were to cast something stronger like Flare - a spell that had done considerable damage four years before – when Fire alone was strong enough to incinerate a training dummy.

"I – I … really don't think …"

The knight Captain of the Knight of Pluto brandished his sword, "Master Vivi, I am the Queens knight, defender of the Alexandrian royal family, I can tolerate a mere fire spell."

The word mere seemed to do it, Zidane knew now that Vivi was getting to the age where mere caused him a great deal of offense; the mages stance changed, his small shoulders set as he moved to cast the spell. The Genome was only now coming to understand the complexity of magic casting, he'd always assumed in the past that it was just point at the target and the spell was cast but over the recent months Vivi had explained it to him better.

Spell words crashed in around Vivi as the young teenager selected the spell he wanted; as always the bass tones of Doomsday demanded attention and as per usual the dangerous spell was ignored. Hiding under the vast chorus of voices were Fire, Blizzard and Thunder, his 'younger' spells and Vivi coaxed Fire from her hiding place. Muttering some arcane words under his breath, Vivi seemed unperturbed by the spell circle that surrounded him, bathing his young form in an orange glow.

Zidane decided not to look as the raw power of fire hurtled towards Steiner but he heard the clatter of armour striking the far wall and the surprised shouts of the remaining knights of Pluto. When the Genome finally decided to look up again, Steiner was slumped against the wall, Vivi at his side checking if he was okay, "It's his own fault for not listening to you," Zidane threw in from where he stood by the door. "You did warn him that it wasn't a good idea,"

The 'king' winced at the snapped salutes, he hated that formality but Vivi mimicking the action prompted a small smile to crease his lips; he wasn't sure if his teenaged friend was doing it sarcastically or not but he always liked to entertain the idea that this was a slight tease on Vivi's behalf. "Can I borrow you for the rest of the day Vivi?"

"Sure …" There was a dubious infliction to the words that Zidane wasn't entirely used to from the formally good natured Mage; it was true that their friendship had suffered thanks to Vivi's mind set some months before and Zidane was still trying to come to terms with this new 'teenaged' Vivi.

The two were soon outside in the freezing air; it pricked callously at Zidane's bare arms in a way that made him shiver, maybe his lovely wife had been right when she had recommended a change of clothes during the winter. Vivi seemed unperturbed by the weather but Zidane knew the coat his friend wore was fairly snug, least of all because the mage had recently grown a little and the coat wasn't quite big enough any more. "Vivi, I need your help,"

"What else is new?" Vivi teased with a smile to his manner that Zidane didn't miss; he had to admit that he liked this more rebellious side of Vivi sometimes, it was a lot more fun to speak to him when he wasn't sure what the mage was going to say next.

"You're helping me organise the party in the square," Zidane announced as he walked, "You can do all the back stage stuff and I'll do the showmanship on the day, how's that sound."

Big yellow oval blinked a few times, Zidane swore there were still times when Vivi's eyes seemed a bit duller then usual but they were only very brief in comparison to a few months before. "I – I've never done anything like that before …" Vivi said uncertainly, looking at his hands for a long time. "I – I can help … but I can't do it alone."

Mentally, Zidane took a step back; Vivi had really only recovered a few months before and the mage was doing amazingly well but Zidane had the sudden realisation that maybe he was pushing Vivi to do too much this time. "Sure, we'll do it together," He beamed widely, steering Vivi towards the castle and a lengthy discussion about what he had managed to do so far.

URURU

Some weeks later

URURU

Alexandria was atwitter with bustling crowds, Zidane stood looking out of the upstairs window down onto the main square with a stupid grin on his face; it had all just worked out so well. In the end, Zidane himself had ended up doing very little, which suited him just fine; it probably helped things that he had been doing whichever little tasks he had deliberately badly so that Vivi would feel the need to take over.

Of course, now Zidane had to take over; his teenaged friend had managed to catch a nasty cold but since most of the work was already done it really was just a matter of making sure everything was in place. He concluded – as he walked down the stairs of the inn – that Vivi simply had rotten luck, he had put all the time and effort into arranging things, yet when everything was in place he was sick in bed. The Genome pushed open the inn's door to a cacophony of cheering; the people were there from all walks of life - from impoverished urchins to rich old spinsters - to enjoy the celebration.

'I've got to give Vivi credit,' Zidane thought as he waved at random people on his way to the middle of the square, 'He knows how to appeal to everyone, tell the poor they can rub shoulders with the rich and the rich that they can do a little charity and they'll sit next to each other, equals for a day.'

'Dagger should hire him as head of public relations …'

Upon reaching the podium he held out his hands for silence, it took a while for the gathering to quieten but soon Zidane was the centre of attention; he was still getting used to the reverential hush people held for the Alexandrian monarchy and it still really unsettled him when people looking to him as some kind of saviour. To Zidane – and in fact to the others – he was still just the loveable rouge he had always been; he was sure that in Freya's eyes he was still the same harmless flirt he had always been too. 

After a short speech about the value of the Yule season, Zidane moved to join in the festivities with Queen Garnet and the new princess of Alexandria, vowing that he would later spend some time with Vivi.

URURU

Slender shoulders moved in a cough as Vivi stood looking out of the window; sadly, he couldn't see the main town square from the window but he knew exactly what was going on down there. He wasn't quite as sick as he had told Zidane but the Genome had believed him incapable of getting out of bed and that suited Vivi just fine; he'd decided not to change into his usual clothing but wore the jacket over his shoulders to keep in the warmth.

Of course, had Zidane been paying real attention to him over the years he would have realised that Vivi had never been so sick with cold that he needed to take time out; Vivi had been rather counting on this oversight on Zidane's behalf and was not disappointed. So he stood by the window watching the snow flutter lazily down, there was not even that much of a breeze to change the course of the flakes; the view outside his window was barren, the soil devoid of any real life thanks to its coating of snow.

Yule itself was the next day and Vivi was trying to prepare himself for it; he'd never had a Yule without family before and the realisation that this year would be different was painful to him. He knew that Zidane would end up spending most of the day with him out of concern for his mental health but he didn't want to steal the Genome away from his new baby at such a key time. He had honestly thought about going away for Yule but he knew full well the concern it would cause his friends to feel, the worry that would make them unable to enjoy their own festive spirit to the full degree.

He moved to his journal, its pages mostly filled with the bland flavourless language he had found solace in when he had first decided to live his life again and he sat down at the desk to write.

His inked quill touched the page as he wrote the entry number; this done he stared at the near enough blank sheet for a long time before choosing to write the first line with his eyes closed.

'Last night was one of my worst, I know I promised myself that I'd never slip again but it happened.'

Slowly the large yellow eyes opened but Vivi didn't read his own words, instead he continued to write.

'I had to make it stop hurting, so I cut my arm; I just wanted the pain to go away. I made so many promises to the boys, told them all the fun things we could do this year and I never got to keep my promises.'

'I needed to stop what I was thinking, so I cut my arm; it's hard to explain why but I think it was to stop how angry and upset I felt. It worked; I couldn't believe what I'd done so I sat there and stared at the blood trickling down my arm.'

'I never want to feel that again! I never want to have to feel the guilt I felt for having fallen so far that I had to cut myself again; I feel so ashamed of these scars, of the … pain it shows to everyone else because so many other people go through so much more in their lives and don't end up cutting themselves.'

'Ellisa once told me that she met a boy who wore his scars like medals, he wasn't afraid to show them off to anyone who wanted to see them and wore them like a mark of pride. I felt ashamed, not so much for myself but for that boy who felt he had to do those things to get attention.'

'That was never what it was about for me, I've never cared if people notice me or not.'

He finished the entry, still not reading it back he closed the rather battered journal and moved from the desk; he knew he'd have to check the cut on his arm because he wasn't all that sure how clean what he'd created it with was but he didn't even want to see it. It was on uncertain feet that he moved to the small bathroom in his room, pulling the thick fabric of his coat up passed his elbow so he could see the wound; with clinical precision he undressed, checked, bathed and redressed the neat cut before moving back into the main part of his room.

URURU

Rocking gently on his backside, the mage was surprised when someone sat behind him, taking loose hold of his lower arms and raising them up above his heart. Whoever it was matched his movements and there were soft sounds from behind him; the knife dropped from his loosely clenched hand as blood trickled down onto the hand that held his arm. "I'm sorry," Vivi whispered, his voice cracked by tears as he did so. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry," The words were burbled from a tear constricted throat as Vivi slowly realised the enormity of someone else finding out.

A chin rested on the crook of his shoulder, whoever's cheek rested against his was wet with tears too; Zidane cradled the small form in front of him gently. He hated that word, he honestly couldn't abide when Vivi felt he had to apologise for anything; so he continued to sit behind the mage, just holding onto him. He couldn't find any words, no way came to mind that conveyed his sorrow at not having seen how deeply hurt Vivi still was.

Despite everything he felt deeply betrayed; Vivi had lied to him, he had stood before him two days ago and insisted that he was fine, that he would be alright alone over Yule. Above even this he felt disappointed, not at Vivi but at himself for not being more insistent, for not arguing that Vivi should spend the time with he and Garnet until the mage gave up like he usually would.

This was the result of his negligence; his friend had felt the need to start cutting himself again and part of Zidane could not help but feel this was his fault in some small way. So he sat and rocked with the small form before him, wondering what he could say or do to heal the small rift that seemed to have opened up between them again. "I'm getting blood on your glove," Vivi's small voice murmured in a way that struggled to lighten the mood.

"Way to bleed all over my nice clean white gloves Vivi," Zidane murmured back, he could just feel normality coming back gradually as the weight against his front stopped rocking. "Let's get you tidied up,"

Letting go of Vivi's arms, Zidane got to his feet; Vivi followed suit, padding bare foot into his small bathroom to wash off the excess blood and bind the wound. "Look, Vivi, I actually came to see if you want to come and open presents with us," He offered with a smile. "Not like Sarah can really do it,"

Vivi tugged the bandage so it was tight enough and tied it neatly before moving from the bathroom to look at Zidane, "Okay," He nodded his head, seeing no reason not to. "Y – You're not … going to tell Queen Garnet what I've done, are you?" He asked in a tiny voice, he was very obviously deeply ashamed of himself and it made Zidane feel bad on some level.

"Nah, she'll just get all paranoid again,"

The sigh of relief was audible as Vivi looked towards Zidane and nodded his head once in thanks. "Do you want to talk about it?" The Genome asked as casually as he could and was unsurprised when Vivi shook his head. "Alright, but give me that knife okay?"

"Sure,"

The still rather short mage moved to collect said knife and dutifully handed it over to him; Zidane resisted the temptation to ruffle Vivi's hat, as he would any other Childs hair for the simple reason that he didn't see Vivi as a child. "You know, we'd all listen if you wanted to talk to us," He ventured uncertainly; "We want to help you." Vivi looked up at him with a small smile and Zidane realised that the mage didn't think he needed any help again; yet, he also sensed that now Vivi knew he knew, the mage would do everything in his power to stop himself from doing it again.

So Zidane chose to change direction completely again, he didn't want to force Vivi to linger on what he had done when it was painfully obvious that the mage wanted to distance himself from it. "Eiko can't wait to see you after Yule, you apparently promised her a kiss under the mistletoe,"

Vivi startled, "I did not!" He insisted, his young voice breaking as he did so; his tones were so indignant that Zidane couldn't help laughing at him.

"Any other guy would kill to kiss a princess Vivi!"

"They don't know her like I do," Came the rather sly retort and Zidane laughed again; Vivi was right to a degree of course, the young men who were so keen to kiss Eiko didn't know her very well at all. If they knew her to the degree that Vivi, Zidane and everyone else who had journeyed together knew her then they would know full well a kiss would fail to impress her; you'd get far closer to impressing her if you could scale a wall or break into someone's house in under five minutes.

When Zidane considered it, Eiko had something of a warped moral compass.

"Just one little kiss, Vivi, it could be the start of something good," Zidane teased, leaning into the mage with his lips pursed, his monkey like tail strait up behind himself.

Swatting inefficiently at the Genome with one hand, Vivi rocked back on his heels to avoid him. "That's what I'm afraid of! You'll all get ideas and before I know it I'll be married to her!"

Eyes holding a mock dreamy expression, Zidane looked off to the distance with his hands clasped together, "And the childhood sweethearts live happily ever after. The End." He intoned dramatically, he stopped at the incredibly sour feeling Vivi conveyed very accurately with his body language. "What?"

"You say that to her and she'll get ideas." Vivi muttered darkly, he had never expressed any interest in girls – not that Zidane was altogether surprised given what he'd been through – and Eiko was certainly not even in for consideration if he did start liking them. "She doesn't like me anyway,"

"Are you sure about that?" Zidane asked, one eyebrow at a jaunty angle, "She might be mean to you because she loves you."

"One more word and I'll blow your tail off,"

"Oh you will will you?" Zidane asked back, he knew he shouldn't but there were times when he really liked to wind Vivi up. "Come on then you over glorified Red Mage!"

There was a great deal of blinking to this statement as the Black Mage tried to make sense of it, "Over glorified red mage?" He asked, sounding confused. "But Black and white mages … came first I think …"

This didn't seem to phase Zidane in the least, "I still seem to have my tail," And to prove this fact he moved it playfully before the mage. "Still attached, have you lost it Vivi? Can't blow anything up any more?" It was a slightly mean tease given how anxious Vivi had been about casting magic about a month before but Zidane knew it was safe to use it now because Vivi seemed a lot more playful then he had in a while.

It was the annoying chicken noises that Vivi eventually responded to, he closed his eyes and called up a spell which flew towards Zidane's tail with the mage's trade mark accuracy. The Genome yowled and leapt into the air as the spell seared his tail tip, "Ow! That really hurt!"

Vivi lowered his hands and smirked slightly at his best friends discomfort, "You told me to do it, just like Steiner did the other day," Wafting the scent of burning hair around the room, Zidane tried to cool the scolding hot tail tip down by waving it.

"Yeah well," Zidane shrugged, he watched as Vivi gently created a ball of ice by cupping a Blizzard spell in his hands. "Hang on a second; I thought you had no control over your lower level spells! You told me they were really strong …"

In reply to this Vivi gave Zidane a look that could only be described as condescending, "They're still my spells Zidane, I can manipulate them if I want to but it takes a lot of effort," He continued to mould the ice element spell in his hands into a near enough perfect sphere, "and concentration, so shh and let me finish this,"

Zidane did as he was told, waiting to see what the mage was doing; Vivi was soon holding the painfully cold ball of ice to Zidane's scorched tail. "I wonder if I could encase your tail tip in ice and make it better that way."

Zidane yanked his tail away, "No you don't!" He insisted, holding the appendage in his hands, "You'll freeze it off or something," He pouted and gave the mage a rather hard look. "I wasn't serious about removing it you know,"

"Then don't say it," Vivi retorted, crossing his arms over his narrow chest.

The Genome smiled to himself, knowing now that he was going to stay with the mage tonight to make sure he didn't slip back to finding sharp objects again; he would keep his promise not to tell his wife but that didn't stop him from being worried.

URURU

Somehow – despite being fully aware when he'd gone to sleep – waking up next to Vivi came as something of a surprise to Zidane; the Genome got over his initial shock quickly and just lay on his side watching as light coloured the wall he was facing. The light coming through the window was a brilliant white and he knew instinctively that there had been snow last night; he also know that Garnet would be quite angry at him for not going back to their rooms the night before.

It wasn't as warm waking up with Vivi as it was with Garnet, Zidane considered as his tail beat a lazy metronome against the mattress, he could try putting his arms around Vivi but very much doubted it would be wise or appreciated and so he just lay and waited for Vivi to wake. It was Sarah's first ever Christmas and despite Zidane's protest that a baby so young wouldn't understand the concept, Garnet had been very insistent on his being around.

Sighing, Zidane decided it was time to make a move; he gently tossed back the covers so as not to rouse Vivi, the mage seemed to be soundly asleep and Zidane made his way to the small bathroom to wash his face and do other such menial things. "You know, I've always been able to tell when you're faking being asleep Vivi," Zidane said as he came back, towel in his hands from drying them.

The mage opened his eyes slowly; he seemed a bit baffled, "How?" He asked, making a show of rubbing sleep from his eyes when Zidane knew full well he'd been awake for a while. "No one else can tell,"

"Yeah, but no one else slept facing you when you were a kid," Zidane pointed out as he tossed the towel onto the bathroom floor. "See, when you're really asleep there's a tiny crack of yellow under your eyelids; used to bug the crap out of me but only for about a week, then it got to be kind of comforting, you know?"

Vivi just blinked at him a few times, "How would I know?" He asked at length, "The boys used to sleep with theirs fully shut,"

Zidane smiled to himself, "Funny, I thought Cal slept with his eyes open," He smirked slightly; since Vivi had mentioned the boys he deemed it safe to do the same.

He'd been wrong, Vivi gave him a long hard look; Zidane knew Vivi didn't always want to talk about the boys; it was hard for him to think about them now they had gone but the Genome needed to remember for his own sake, it was all well and good tiptoeing around Vivi's feelings but everyone else had to deal with theirs too.

Sighing, Zidane clapped a hand on Vivi's shoulder, "Come on, lets go or Dagger will get angry at me for being late." He pointed out, "I was late for Sarah's birth after all, I don't think she'd stand me being late for this too."

URURU

FIN


End file.
